


Burned Into the Soul

by DramaticMarvel



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 23:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5845870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticMarvel/pseuds/DramaticMarvel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam knew that sometimes it was easier to pretend he didn't have a soulmate than deal with worrying that he wasn't good enough to have the soulmate he wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burned Into the Soul

Adam Parrish carried a burnmark on his wrist right where his soulmark should be. Nobody alive would fucking love a kid like him, at least that’s what his father would tell people when they asked. It wasn’t that unheard of to see someone with a burned wrist, just as it wasn’t unheard of to see someone with a blank wrist. The difference was there was a pity that was associated with a burnmark one that caused strangers to see a thirteen-year-old boy with a burn on his wrist and feel the need to express they how they were truly sorry he would need get to meet his soulmate. A burnmark was worse than a blank wrist, it meant there was someone out there who would have loved you more than anything in the world, but you were destined to die before you met. But as Adam’s dad reminded him, nobody alive would fucking love a kid like him. 

The night of his thirteen birthday he could remember counting down the seconds, holding his left arm up to the flashlight he had propped up under the covers praying to every deity around for a name to appear on his wrist. Honestly any name would have made Adam happy because any name would have meant there was someone, outside this trailer, possibly outside Henrietta that would love Adam in a way he’s always dreamt. Sometimes he dreamt of who they would be, what they were like, if they were smart, what their favorite subject was, and every question he could imagine. Adam liked playing this game of trying to dream up a person who wasn’t so much of a fantasy, but a friend that he would like to talk to and would just understand the mess in his head.

As fate would have it, as the clock struck midnight so did his father. Adam was barely able to get a glance at his wrist before his father grabbed his meaty fingers around his wrist, throwing him into the closest wall yelling about keeping him up with his flashlight. His father had grabbed for the flashlight, ready to strike him with it when he noticed the mark now vividly clear on Adam’s wrist and Adam knew that this wasn’t something he could hide. He closed his eyes as his father went from white to red before dragging Adam outside by the wrist, his grip tight enough to leave marks as a reminder the next morning before throwing him next to the fire pit that some of his father’s fellow drunks like to sit around and throw cans and bottles in when the trash can was too far away for them.

“I ain’t having no son of mine sporting this kind of mark.” His words were slurred but he was still capable enough to drag Adam up and pull his arm over the fire. Adam screamed, tears welling in his eyes, and yet all he could think about was how that was the first time in years that his father had called him son. 

When it was done, Adam fell to the ground, curling in a ball in case there would be a round two or three. Robert Parrish looked him up and down with the most amused look on his face, Adam wondering how much he had drank earlier to be able to look that pleased. With a cat like grin, his father leaned out and chucked, “Now that’s fitting. A burnmark, because ain’t nobody alive would love a fuckin’ loser like you.” His words spat at Adam, along with some actual spit before he turned around and went inside leaving Adam cradling his wrist next to the fire pit.

But as unlovable as Adam was, he had seen it on his wrist. It had only been for a second, but his eyes would never forget each curl and every line of that one name that proved that someone out there might be crazy enough to love a fucking loser like him.

Nobody ever asked about his burnmark, at least until Richard Campbell Ganesy III came along. Until that point, Adam had just kept his head down, did his work, went to work, and tried to stay out of his father’s way. Ganesy had come into his life like a hurricane, changing the way that he had played the game. Instead of a simple routine now he was spending afternoons trekking through the woods or spread out across the floor of Monmouth Manufacturing with a combination of textbooks or whatever the latest book Ganesy had acquired on Glendower. Though usually when whatever adventure or talk about ley lines would die down they would end up on another random subject like if they though Noah could skateboard over Ronan’s BMW with a proper ramp or if their History teacher was in fact human. The first one was fairly believable but the second one seemed preposterous with the amount of work he gave them and the pleasure he took when only a tenth of the class could finish the work in time, Adam always made sure he was in that bunch. 

That day the four of them were spread out across the floor of Monmouth Manufacturing, books spread out in all directions. Though after three hours of going to through them they were now just sitting around picking at the leftover pizza. Adam laughed as Ronan threw a piece at Gansey who shrieked, as unmanly as possible, as he dove sideways to avoid the greasy piece of meat from hitting his shirt. 

“Ronan! That almost hit my shirt.” Gansey said, crossing his arms blocking any other flying food that might come at him. Adam wasn’t sure why he was so upset, he was pretty sure Gansey could buy a whole closet of bright polo shirts. Actually, judging by his closet, Gansey had already done that.

If Ronan was phased, he didn’t show it. Instead he just rolled his eyes, “It would have been an improvement. What do you even call that color.”

“Fuchsia, and I happen to like this color.” Gansey said crossly. 

“I thought you were supposed to like Blue.” Ronan smirked. 

Gansey frowned slightly. “I know I am. And I’m sure I will. I just don’t know if I can say I like someone I’ve never met yet. I don’t know anything about them.” 

“It could really just be a color. It would be just like you to fall in love with a color. What color are Glendower’s eyes?” Ronan shrugged as he picked another piece of peperoni off his pizza, but this time dropping it in his mouth.

Adam looked between the two of them. It was times like these that reminded Adam that he was an outsider to the three of them and their inside jokes and tales. Gansey seemed to notice his confusion and held up his wrist. In a neat scrawl the word “B L U E” was etched in the center of his wrist. It wasn’t that he didn’t notice that Gansey had a mark, it was just that he never studied it closely. Adam had never seen the point at staring at other people’s soulmark when you already knew you weren’t their soulmate. It was like washing your car before it rained, just a waste of water and time. 

“Ronan and Noah have a bet if it’s a color or not.” Gansey said with a shrug. If Adam wasn’t watching he would have missed the quick, pensive smile that Gansey had on his face. Of course Gansey would love the idea of who ever his soulmate was, because knowing Gansey they were going to be amazing. He could just imagine them on his arm at one of his parent’s fundraisers with a smile and a brain to match their equally good looks. There was a pang of jealously that gnawed at Adam’s stomach knowing he would never be that lucky. 

“So what about you Parrish?” Ronan asked, drawling Adam out of his thoughts with an olive to the face. “Do you have a color or a name.” 

Noah and Gansey both looked at Ronan, and Adam couldn’t tell why but both looked scandalized and intrigued. Gansey was the first to turn back to Adam, “you don’t have to say if you don’t want to. We understand if it’s a personal thing.”

Noah opened his mouth either to protest or agree but Adam silenced him by holding up his wrist, the burn seeming to glow like a fire under the warm lighting. He looked at Ronan, as if challenging him to say some comment about it, because he was sure Ronan could come up with a dozen right off the top of his head. But instead he noticed that Ronan’s lips had turned down just slightly and that there was a look in his eye, something that Adam had never seen in his eyes before, it was something that Adam couldn’t be sure but it almost looked like disappointment. Of course who would be disappointed to hear that Adam was doomed to never meet his soulmate? It wasn’t like someone would actually be sad about missing out on being with him, what did he have to offer anyone anyway?

The room was quite, except for the deep breath Gansey had sucked in. Adam thought of saying something, but there really wasn’t much for him to say. He honestly was waiting for Ronan to break the tension with some joke geared at his lack of love life, but instead he was a little disappointed when Noah broke the silence by holding up his bare, pale wrist. “Want to form a club?”

Adam laughed, smiling at Noah. Ronan just groaned. “So I’m the only one in the whole fucking room with a normal soulmark.” 

“Well what does you’re say.” Adam asked. 

Holding his wrist up before anyone could say another word Ronan held up his wrist proudly. Adam blinked twice, as if expecting the words that were cleanly marked across his wrist would change but they didn’t. Knots formed in his stomach as he looked the  
lightly messy lettering spelled out “A D A M” across Ronan’s pale wrist. There was a tightening in his chest and Adam wanted to laugh with the tiny bit of air remaining. Of course, of all people, Ronan would have Adam on his wrist. Because out there in the world somewhere there was an Adam who was strong and brave and could keep up with Ronan, winning him over like nobody had done before. Even though Adam had never met that Adam yet he was already jealous of him, because that Adam was surely things he himself could only dream of being. It was no wonder Ronan was so proud of his mark.

“You know; it’s going to be confusing when you meet your Adam. We’re going to have to call him Adam 2.” Noah said, giving Adam a look and dragging him out of his head before he could figure out why his stomach was in knots and he couldn’t breathe. “You get to be Adam 1 since you were here first.” 

“We could always call him something like Addie or Mark.” Gansey suggested, smiling softly at Adam almost pityingly and Adam couldn’t help but glare slightly because Adam didn’t need to be pitied, least of all for this. Adam had come to terms with this a long time ago and just because he had never had a real conversation about this sort of thing didn’t mean he wanted pity. He didn’t know what he wanted, but that wasn’t it.

Ronan just groaned, “We are not calling him any of those things. And anyway, Parrish is already Parrish, no confusion there. Unlike my feelings towards my desire to burn all your shirts. Seriously Dick, they are blinding me.” And just like that, they were back on their original conversation but not before Adam caught Ronan give him one last look and a nod. It wasn’t disrespectful, it was acknowledging and even though he wasn’t sure what Ronan was acknowledging, he was grateful for it. 

The next few days Adam caught his eyes wandering to the mark on Ronan’s wrist. Sometimes it would be during class and as he doodled in Latin he would catch the curve of the D or the sharp points of the M. Other times it would be as he stretched his arms out as he leaned back in the passenger seat of Pig and he would catch the small dash on the A’s. One time Ronan did catch him staring and raise an eyebrow at him, Adam quickly turned back to his notes trying not to think about how different he was from the other Adam. 

Two weeks later Ronan went to the hospital with slashed wrists, making sure Adam wouldn’t have to look at his name on Ronan’s wrist anymore. 

It was selfish, but it was easier to go back to how things were beforehand now that he no longer had to see his name on Ronan’s wrist. Friends were good, it was nice. Well, as nice as anything ever was with Ronan. Which mostly meant that they fought and made up and rinsed and repeated. Even once Gansey met Blue, who was not a color, everything still fit so well together. If fact it fit better than it had before. And then Adam had to go and sacrifice himself to Cabeswater. 

Despite all Cabeswater taking up a lot of Adam’s time, Adam slowly started to notice Ronan. Sure Adam had always noticed Ronan, he was hard to miss because of his chiseled looks and larger than life personality but now Adam noticed that Ronan noticed Adam. It was uncomfortable at first, to know that Ronan noticed Adam because few people ever noticed Adam and when they did it was rarely a good thing. But then he started to notice how Ronan noticed him, how he took special consideration, liking standing on the side of his non deaf ear whenever the two were together or somehow always making sure his fridge had the juice he liked that Ronan said tasted like cat piss. Adam couldn’t remember if he had done anything before that to warrant such kindness from someone like Ronan who was so careful about who he let through his walls. 

As much as Adam wanted to pretend that all of this meant nothing, he knew that was a lie. It felt nice to have someone look at him the way Ronan did, like he could mean something to someone. Sure Gansey constantly tried his best to remind Adam of this, there was something different from the way Gansey said it and the way Ronan showed it. One of Adam’s favorite ways that Ronan showed his affection was by sharing the Barns with him. Sure all of them had been over to the Barns but the times that it was just the two of them trying to wake up cows or Ronan showing some cool new gadget he found the last time he had been there; those were the times that Adam enjoyed. 

Maybe that was why when Ronan suggested crashing there after a whole day of trying to wake up the cows, Adam agreed despite knowing he would most likely have to skip his early shift at the garage. Well that and knowing that in the past week between Cabeswater, school, Glendower, and work he had gotten a total of five hours of sleep. Ronan seemed to condone this, breaking out a hidden bottle of some amber liquor that Adam was pretty sure would cost him a year’s rent. Adam knew that little sleep would not go well with liquor and passed, which Ronan decided to mean he should drink to for the two of them. Between the already lightheaded feeling of exhaustion and the feeling of Ronan’s feet propped up in his lap, Adam felt content as the two talked about school and crazy ideas on how to wake the cows before drifting into silence.

Adam had thought Ronan had fallen asleep on him until he heard Ronan say softly, softer than Adam had heard him speak, “You know when I first met you I thought you were my soulmate.”

“Really?” Adam said, surprised. He had seen over the past few months how Ronan felt about him, but the fact that it had been going on for so long, Adam didn’t know what to make of that. Surely he should have noticed that.

“Yeah.” Ronan said, stretching his arms above his head, his voice back to normal. “Then I got to know you.”

Adam looked at him, wondering how he could look so causal after admitting something like that when Adam’s own heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. If he hadn’t been so tired, maybe he would have thought it through more but before he could catch his words they fell out, “but you still like me?” 

“Yeah,” And to Adam’s surprised, Ronan looked slightly apprehensive, but not of the subject, he seemed so sure of his answer. It was Adam that he wasn’t sure of. 

“Why?” It had been bugging Adam for too long not to ask. He knew he sounded like a middle schooler but he had spent enough nights thinking about it. Why would someone like Ronan like someone like Adam? Ronan liked fast and exciting and heart racing, things that Adam was not. Ronan was a Greywaren, he could dream perfect and unimaginable things so why would he settle for something that was anything but perfect.

Ronan groaned and reached for the half-finished bottle, taking a swig straight from the neck. “How the fuck should I know why I like you? I didn’t really sit down and make a pro and con list. I’m not Gansey.” 

Adam let out a chuckle at Gansey, because he is pretty sure he would has made at least two of those lists about Blue. His laughter stopped when he looked at Ronan who looked upset at his laugher. He didn’t want Ronan to think his laugher was at him, because it wasn’t. “If it helps, it is nice. You liking me, I mean.”

Ronan looked at him, nodding before tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. The room suddenly felt heavy and Adam felt more awake than he had been in weeks. Silence was normal for the two of them, usually the two of them would sit around St. Angus as Adam would do his homework and Ronan would mess around on his laptop looking at weird animal videos and laughing in the background. This wasn’t like that silence thought, this one felt unfinished and Adam wasn’t quite sure what else to say.

Ronan on the other hand, decided to add. “Sometime I wish you were the Adam on my wrist. I mean it’s a stupid fucking mark. I fucking like you and I don’t need a mark on my wrist to tell me that.” 

Adam closed his eyes and took a breath. Suddenly everything he had noticed over the past month felt real. Sure Ronan’s actions spoke loud; he didn’t realize how much weight his words carried until just now. Maybe it was the fact that they were at the Barns, Ronan seemed to share so much of himself with Adam here. Adam was sure it wasn’t easy for him to do, but he still did it and it was time Adam returned the favor.

“I wish a lot of things.” Adam said, looking where Ronan’s feet where still in his lap. Taking a deep breath, he looked over at Ronan who was watching him closely, seriously and wholeheartedly. “Like I wish my dad hadn’t burnt off my soulmark.”

Ronan stared at him for a moment before a shadow crossed across his face before his legs were torn from Adam’s lap as he jumped to his feet, pacing back and forth shakily. Adam drew up his feet onto the couch as he watched Ronan. The words had tasted bitter in his mouth, he had never spoke those words before and now it was all out there and he felt as if he had just given a piece of himself away, leaving a small hole where the secret once was. 

Ronan looked up, opened his mouth before closing it again, and continued to pace. This happened three times before he finally looked at Adam and shouted, “What the fuck, Parrish?” Adam just shrugged, “That is not a fucking answer!”

“What do you want me to say?” Adam asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms. He just spilled one of his biggest secrets, he wasn’t sure what exactly he was supposed to follow that up with. 

That seemed to get Ronan’s attention because he stopped pacing. “Did you get to see the mark before he burnt it?” He sounded as tired as Adam felt.

“Yeah, yeah I saw it.” Adam said softly, thinking of the exact line of each letter. He saw the mark constantly in his dream. 

“What was your name?” Ronan asked sharply. 

“Ronan.” Adam said softly.

“Don’t give me that bullshit!” Ronan barked and Adam looked up at his manic face wondering how he still looked handsome with his face so manic like that. “I don’t care if that is personal information. I mean…fuck!” He said as he leaned against the wall, tipping his head back to bang against the wall. Every muscle in his body seemed to be tight like a spring. There was something strange about being able to have this affect over someone like Ronan, it made him feel powerful. But all Adam wanted to do was use this power was to make Ronan feel okay, because he deserved the best. And maybe, just maybe, if Adam could do that for him, maybe he could be what Ronan needed. Maybe, for Ronan, he could be the best. 

“Ronan.” A warm smile spread across Adam’s face with his own realization as Ronan looked up at him warily. “My soulmark said Ronan.” 

As Ronan stared at Adam, mouth hung slightly open and head tilted slight slightly, he couldn't help but wonder if this was the first time he had ever seen Ronan truly speechless. There was a small part of him that was proud that he made someone like Ronan speechless, having the ability to take the words from his mouth. This feeling, however, was over shadowed by the fact that his stomach churned slightly, unable to read Ronan. Why would Ronan even believe someone like Adam could be his soulmate? It wasn't like there was any proof that he was Ronan’s Adam. For all they knew Ronan’s Adam could be off bungee jumping or something while Adam’s Ronan was flipping burgers or in juvie. 

Before Adam could voice these opinions, Ronan’s lips collided with his, pressing so tightly that he could feel his teeth. One of Ronan's hands came up, knotting his fingers in his hair and holding him in place. Adam didn't even remember seeing Ronan move but all his thoughts had become slightly fuzzy except for the main one, Ronan Lynch was kissing him. Ronan kissed him like he raced cars, fast, hard, and it made you feel alive. Adam had never kissed anyone else before, but he knew he never wanted to kiss anybody else again. Not when he knew there was someone out there who could make him feel this alive. 

When Ronan pulled away it felt like he took all the breath from Adam’s lungs and he desired to give him more. But Ronan wasn’t smiling, he was frowning and shaking his head. For a moment Adam’s heart dropped wondering if maybe Ronan had changed his mind about, well, everything. But instead he just looked at Adam and muttered, “you’re such a fucking idiot.” Adam wanted to argue, but he really couldn’t think of an argument. He was an idiot. If he had connected everything earlier, maybe he could have been kissing Ronan earlier. “Were you ever going to fucking tell me?”

“I just told you.” Adam pointed out, not nearly as sharply as he wanted to but it was still a point. 

“Yeah after how long? Seriously, you knew I was your fucking soulmate and you didn’t fucking tell me.” Ronan was up again pacing and Adam watched him move back and forth like a pendulum of pent of energy. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

Adam shrugged slightly with a sheepish smile. “Are you asking how long I’ve liked you or how long I’ve known you were my soulmate?”

“Both. Either. Fuck. I don’t know.” Ronan said, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

“Well I’ve liked you a for a while now,” Adam admitted softly as his cheeks warmed. “But I kind of just realized I might be your soulmate.”

Ronan stopped pacing and dropped to his knees in front of Adam. “You’re fucking stupid.” Before Adam could respond, Ronan’s lips were pressed against his. This time it was chaste, but forceful. “My soulmate is a goddamn moron.” His words were harsh, but he could pick out the underlying affection in the words.

A smile spread across his face. “Say that again?”

“Fuck you Parrish.” Ronan snapped. “Just for that, you get to be the one to tell Gansey.”

“Oh come on.” Adam said in what he would refuse to admit was a pout. “He’s going to cry and get all Gasney-y about this.” Not to mention he was pretty sure Gansey was going to be like a sad puppy over the fact that Adam never told him about his soulmark. That was not going to be a fun conversation. He was going to have to start planning the most tactful way to go about this. 

“You brought this on yourself.” Ronan pointed out, before standing up and holding his hand out to Adam. When Adam didn’t instantly grab his hand, he reached out and took it anyway, pulling him off the couch. 

Not waiting for Adam to steady himself, he started to drag Adam upstairs. Adam blinked, looked at Ronan confused. “Wait. What are we doing?”

“What we should have done a year ago.” Ronan said, not stopping but he still turned to give him a smile that looked like it could cut glass. “We’re going to go make out like horny teenagers and fuck this heart to heart bullshit.” 

Adam used to dream of his soulmate when he was younger. Now that he had one, he realized that he couldn’t have even dreamed up someone that fit the way Ronan fit with his sharp edges that matched his perfectly. He could have never thought up someone that challenged Adam in ways that Adam didn’t even know he needed to be challenged. It wasn’t the flowery bullshit he saw in the romance movies his mom used to watch when he dad was gone. No, this was the explosion of an action movie that left you on your toes wanted more. Adam looked at Ronan, his soulmate, and smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come say hi on tumblr [here](http://dramaticmarvel.tumblr.com/) or [here](http://doingitonstage.tumblr.com/)


End file.
